darth_veyda: (takasugi)
[personal profile] darth_veyda
Сил ни на что умное нет, потому буду пока постить бояны. Переводить тоже сил нет, извините

Hello, welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

- If you are Obsessive Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are Delusional, press 7, your call will be transfered to the Mothership.
- If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are Depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
- If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
- If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.
-> Alternatively: "...Please fidget with the Pound Button until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep."
- If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
- If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
- If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss, please try your call again later.
-> Alternatively: "If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9."
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are too busy to talk to you.
- If you are agoraphobic, please stay on the line to make an in-person appointment at our national office in New York City.
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December 2016

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